How can you understand if there's a relationship going on or just a thing?

The last time I was in a relationship feels like million light years away right now and I just realised that there is absolutely nothing I remember about being a girlfriend! How do you know when you have become someone's lover or just friends that hang out more often!?

I was 12 when a guy first asked me out. I had this little tiny mobile and suddenly got a text saying would you like to be my girlfriend with hearts all over it. That boosted my ego up at that moment but the love story didn't last long. 2 days after the mad love, I broke up with him because he wanted to hold hands at school and that was too much for me! Not much changed since then, my boundaries still exist but they have stretched a little bit and by a little bit I mean a lot..And no my trust issues have not improved at all but got worse!

When I was 15 I thought I found my soul mate, the love of my life and my future hubby. Oh dear, now I can see how naive I was back then! We met online as he was a cousin of my friend's, talked for months, he said he "loved" me. I did not know at that point either if we were together or not. It was after a month when he asked me "So, are you my girlfriend now?" finally taking the hints! I just answered saying you haven't asked me out yet and then we settled the bases for the three year relationship.. I could say that those were the happiest days of my 21 years.. Of course that ended in misery as well, by him cheating on me with my best-friend! BADAMTIS! 3 years of loneliness and failed attempts of relationships after that..

Basically, since I was 18 I spent most of my time trying to find the perfect love again.. Until I realised, there was no such thing! All of my attempts in love failed miserably, just when I thought something  good was going to happen, it shattered down! As if something was just bugging my life and trying to ruin every good thing about it! Finally, this year I met someone that I like.. And now I am in a situation where I cannot stop thinking, what if I ruin it again? Where is this going? When will I know if he really likes me or just having fun with me? Most people say that when you know, you know. However, I  question everything instead of living in the moment and then I cry. I don't want this to end in misery as well.. I just want to know, if everything will be fine..

Has anyone seen the tiny creature called "luck"?

So as  you can guess, I am floating between emotions again. I have no clue whether its because of the amount of workload I have, the pressure of finding a job, having absolutely noone in my love life or just generally feeling poo. And I cannot stop thinking, why am I not the lucky one?!

Luck can be described in many ways, according to google's first result it is an event which occurs beyond one's control, without regard to one's will, intention, or desired result. Why aren't such events occurring in my life? For the past few years I have made approximately 100 wishes including having a fit body.  But the my biggest wish has always been finding true love. This was most probably because of the number of events that happened that torn me down into pieces in my love life in the past years. Being cheated on by my 3 year boyfriend with my "best friend", someone telling me that I had to lose 10 kilos in order for him to like me, being on and off with a guy for months and then him telling my best friend that he was in love with her and seeing one of the great loves of my life being ruined; learning that my dad was cheating on my mum. I cannot help but think, if love is such a great thing why do I end up hurting at the end! 
Is it too much to want to have feelings for someone without constantly worrying if they are lying or faking everything? How hard can it be to trust someone.. I believe that all I need to succeed in this idiotic thing called love is LUCK! There are no other explanations that can suggest a reason for my great failures over these years. Even my little sister's love life is better than mine! How more tragic can it get?(Dear universe this was just a question you don't have to demonstrate)

Oh as if things aren't bad enough, all of the people who got in my life at some point find their true life partners after we break up or after I reject them. If someone is the problem its definitely me. Like sometimes I wonder if I should change this into an occupation or something. be like hi, if you want to find true love just let me reject you first. Thanks that would be $1000. And go buy shoes. If I cannot be happy emotionally my feet can still feel pretty right? A pair of red soles never upset. 

Anyway, dear universe, this time let it happen. For all of us out there. My best friend who is so scared of even talking to someone, the shy girl, the emotionally destroyed woman, everyone out there! (including me please don't forget about me)

Thanks <3

Is it love that we are looking for or pure lust?

 I am a strong believer of science. If there is something happening,  there is a scientific explanation for it. And as years passed by I started to get rid of my emotions cause I believe that my brain is creating them for obvious reasons. Let's make something clear first. The reason we are on this planet is to reproduce and survive nothing else. Therefore throughout our little lives, we try to protect ourselves from what our instincts call dangerous and find the perfect matching person to reproduce. This got me thinking, if every movement we make is because of these two reasons, some emotions are just made up. Such as LOVE.
I believe that LOVE is the biggest lie after religion in the world. It is a made up feeling by movies and stories and put in our minds throughout our lives. It acts as a curtain in front of our eyes, like a filter. You don't like the person, you like the feeling they give you and this is because inside your brain its a sign that he is the perfect match for your baby daddy profile. So if it wasn't for reproducing, there wouldn't be sexual attraction and the great loss of time because of this. You see a person, they make you feel great, you get sexually attracted, your relationship builds up, you get married have children and so on. This is basically reproducing not love. What about the time we waste on thinking about love and our perfect other halves? This is the basic trick of them keeping us stupid. We start thinking that we must find love, but actually do we?

Solitary Woman

What brings you back to the past? A sound? An image? A smell? A day?
Well, at the moment I went through all on my own. February the 14th, indeed one of the most depressing days in the year for me as I am single and hate this day cause I believe that I have some kind of a bad spell on me against love.(I know how pathetic I sound and I dont give a flying duck.
The last time I celebrated the Valentine's day was 4 years ago(SAD) and that was with my first and real love i think. It was a great day but I managed to ruin that relationship as well as its one of my very talents, ruining stuff. May sound funny but I believe that I got doomed on that day because of a reason that I will not share ahahhaha Since then, I have managed to get drunk and remember those memories on this day. When the clock hit 00:00, I started listening to some old music that transferred me directly in to those times.. Images started coming and all of the memories of that time. I believe that its not the person that I miss, I miss the feelings and myself at that time..
Everything changed since then and I got lost in the past once again. I miss the old me, so naive, could ignore everything and did not realise the seriousness of life.. I didn't know that my dad was cheating on my mum, I didn't know that I was going to get cheated on with my best friend, I didn't know that we were in serious debt, I just cared about myself and how i felt. Wish I could become like that.. No feeling of guilt or no worries about the future or the present and even trying to change the past constantly..
I am aware of the fact that most of the things I write are about these, but I believe that by writing I will get over them soon. And also, my posts show how my mood changes even though I'm on medication. I don't have extreme feelings but I can get lost in the past sometimes. I cannot feel numb all the time, can I?
Anyway,everythng happens for a reason but I fail to find the reason for somethings that I have gone through and still going through.. How many more Valentine's days will come and go with me and my wine beside me.. I just have a little message to my stupid prince charming, HURRY UP BABE LOSING PATIENCE!
All of those with a valentine I really hope you enjoy your day and all of the singles, do not over commit on the alcohol.

xox

:)

Herzaman tekrar ettiğim bişey vardır bu hayatta ve umarım evren beni her zaman bunu söyleycek yollara sokar.. Ben hayatımda arkadaş edinmemişim, kardeş edinmişim her zaman.. Uç duyguları seven bir insanım. Ya hep ya hiç, ya aşk ya nefret böyle bi şekilde takılıyorum işte ortalıkta. Çok kişi sevdim, çok da bağlandım sonunda bayağı da ağladım ama şimdi dönüp baktıgımda, elekten geçen sadece gerçek olanlar kalmış yanımda..

1000 tane 1 lira yerine ben 5 tane 200lük seçmişim, çevremde 100 tane gerizekalı olacagına, 10 tane en en derin sırlarımı anlatabileceğim insanla donatmışım etrafımı. Yediğim kazıkların da değerini böylece anlıyorum bu hayatta.. Küçükken çok üzülürdüm, çok takardım bu arkadaşlık olaylarını. Çevremde biçok insan olsun isterdim, her gün başka biriyle takılmak isterdim, sevilmek ve kabullenmek isterdim herkes tarafından. Yıllar bunu da değiştirdi elbette. Ben kendimim, ben bir bireyim ve inanıyorum ki güçlü bir karaktere sahip olan hiç kimse herkes tarafından sevilemez. Çünkü, kafandan geçeni söyleyebilmelisin bu hayatta, o fikir sana uymuyorsa hayır kardeşim yanlışsın deyebilmelisin, gerekirse tartışabilmelisin de adabınca.. En önemlisi, bunlara saygı duyacak biri olmalı karşında. Yüze gülüp, arkadan seni sağa sola eleştiren bi tipitip değil. 

Beş farlı arkadaş grubu, onlarca farklı insandan top 5 imi seçtim ben artık. Onlarsız adım bile atmak bana ters. Beni ben olarak kabul eden, düştüğümde yanımda, güldüğümde benimle gülen kardeşlerim var benim..

Better or Bitter?

 We get hurt so many times in life. Some people get over it some people cannot. I am one of the ones that cannot forget the mistakes that are done to me. I spend hours thinking about them and even though years past I don't think that I can easily forgive someone. I may act stupid, but I am always aware of everything as I always say. Being a huge fan of the tv series Revenge has some effects on me as well. As I explained before, I have gone through some tough times and it wasn't only one person to blame for all of this. Much more people have contributed in my state of mind right now, and as I don't believe in Karma, I may become their Karma.(Jokes aside I am not mad)
So do we just forgive and get better or get bitter? In love cases as well. People get cheated on, left, abused and so on.. Do these things help our future selves or do they just make us numb and emotionally unavailable? In my case, I became emotionally numb. I got cheated on by the so called love of my life and after that every attempt for a relationship was a massive fail for me. I cannot say that what didn't kill me made me stronger but I can definately say that my heart became as cold as an iceberg!(hahahahaha) I set some high standards so that I would not get hurt again and noone seems to meet those high standards or I am controlling my heart with my brain which is pretty strange for a young woman like me. I do not know which to prefer; to run after stupid love affairs or to become emotionally unavailable and wait for a miracle.. This has been one of the minor questions in my mind for years now. Every attempt reminds me of rejection and heartache therefore I learnt how to be happy in my little cage of numbness!

Small Island Psychology

Imagine being raised in such a place that when you meet someone, they already know your history and your family heritage. Imagine a place that you do not even have a chance to make a mistake. Just imagine that being in such a place that you live for the other people's expectations, not yours, not at all! Seems funny, but all of the things mentioned here are true. I have been living in such a place for 20 years but now I refuse to live there because I am not doing anything but limiting myelf.

The people living in this small island act in the herd behaviour. There are certain beliefs and ideas that everyone has to believe in, or you get discriminated because you are different. I know that in the rest of the world the situation is not much different, but since I was 15, I have been in a war inside myself. To follow the herd or to follow what I really believe in. It started with dying my hair in 5 different colours in a year and not caring about what anyone said about it. I became to known as a freak, but I was just looking for my real self, I was only a teenager. Since then, I have been experimenting with people, how they react to being different, they really don't like it. But why? What is that scares them so much? Difference? 

If you say your ideas out loud, you get judged. You must be a communist or a capitalist or else you are stupid. You get judged by what you wear and what you drive. Everyone acts like racing horses, who owns what. The community is so assimilated that they do not know why they are even doing the things they are doing. Sex is a big issue. Everyone has sex, but it is not something to be talked about. This is because before the minds became familiar with the idea of it, people became very active at it.

Now, being away I couldn't be happier. I don't even miss it. I can be myself and known as I am and not be judged.  

Advantages of Bankruptcy

My life is full of changes at the moment. A lot of them. So, 5 years ago I was a rich teenager who was moaning about life and basicly everything all the time. I was in total rebellion towards everything in life, especially the society. I still hate the society I was born and raised in to be honest, they are a bunch of sheep!

So in these 5 years, my dad goes bankrupt we basicly sell everything in our hands and I try to live the normal life. In this post I want to talk about the pros and cos of bankruptcy!

These five years have been the hardest of my life. I cannot say that I hated every moment of it, but time has taken a lot from me. The feelings I lost, the numbness in my heart never seems to get away, but I got used to it. I had breakdowns at certain points and I have done mistakes because I lost control at some points, but the lessons I have learnt in life, they are very precious for me. I realised that the love inside me is so big for my family that I even was succesful overcoming my anger towards my dad. I stopped asking why things happened and instead I looked for solutions. In my perspective, I am doing good. I am dealing very well with situations. At times I do get sad because some of my dreams are lost and I will never be able to achieve them and I am not living my "dream life", but this encourages me more to try. And if anyone reading this has gone through same kind of stuff, I can assure you that it's not the millions in your bank account which defines you, ITS YOU! You can achieve anything you want and overcome everything! I am not the one to write these motivation things, but I really mean it. As a person who spent 1/4th of their life hating everyone and blaming her father for everything, I honestly think that my only harm was to myself, not anyone else..

- You get to know which people matter really. Those standing by your side in every condition are actually the people who are worth your love.

- You get to know how to stand on your own feet! You get out of your kookoo world and you fight for what you want instead of crying for it.

-You actually realise the cars and cribs and bags and those shit are not actually that important. Its all luxury.

-You UNITE! That's the best thing about it. Family becomes one, and everyone over-cares for each other which is a really sweet thing.

-You become more independent as you have less things to lose. Trust me, the less things you have to lose, the more free you feel inside. 

-The things you own are not used to describe you anymore so you become an actual individual not the person who owns that and this.

- Realising that the world actually does not revolve around you, you are like a droplet in the ocean.

-Managing anger.

Sevgili 16 yaşındaki ben,

6 Yıl önceki bana mektup;
6 Yıl sonra onunla beraber olmayacaksın.. O köprünün altından o kadar su geçmiş olacak ki ne o senin yüzünü ne de sen onun yüzünü bayağı uzun bir süre görmeyeceksin. Hep hayal ettiğin onunla olan o üniversite hayatı var ya, o da yok. Onun ülkesindesin ama bedenleriniz yakın olsa da milyonlarca ışık yılı uzaklıkta ruhlarınız birbirine.. Özleyceksin onu, deliler gibi, seneler geçse de hediyelere ve fotoğraflara bakıp göz yaşı dökeceksin ama dediğim gibi hepsi güzel bir anı olacak.. Bir daha seni onun kadar seven biri olmayacak, o bakışı, dokunuşunda hissettiğin heyecan kaybolup gidecek.. Ulaşmaya çalışacaksın ona izin vermeyecek çünkü o da çok yara almış olacak.. Ve bütün hayallerinin uçup gittiğini göreceksin ellerinden.. Ama insanlar değişir, hem bırakanın hem de özleyenin sen olması ayrı bi komik gelecek sana 20 yaşında odanda yalnızlığın içinde kaybolurken.. Sensiz ben mahfolurum demişliği olan insan seni hayatından silip atacak, ama mutlu olacak..

Değerini bil. Sana tek tavsiyem bu.. Kavga ederek vakit harcama, tartışma.. Çok seviliyorsun. Kendi kendine problem yaratma.. Bırak mutlu etsin seni sen de onu. Anın tadını çıkar. Vakit çok hızlı geçip gidiyor, koruyucu meleğim dedğin insan yanında olmadığında hep eksik hissediyorsun.. Güçlü ol..

Konu sadece o değil..Çoğu hayalin gerçekleşmeyecek.. Ama aynı zamanda bazı dileklerin öyle bir gerçek olacak ki çok şaşıracaksın.. Be careful what you wish for honey.. Ama her zaman da mutlu olmayı bileceksin ve hep şükredeceksin..

x

SATC

I must confess.. I have an obsession to.. BRANDS! Never been one of those preppy girls always have been dressing up in a different way but when it comes to brands such as Louboutin, Balenciaga, Chloé and Saab my heart skips a beat. As you will get to know me more on in my blogs in the future, you can not defy me as a material girl. I am into philosophy and deep things like that but today(maybe because of the period cramps) I am having a dumb blonde day!

So I have been watching old episodes of Sex and the City for the millionth time and its not possible to get bored of them is it? The episodes I have been watching is when Carrie is alone and they are discussing their soulmates. That got me thinking.

  

Is monogamy real? Does everyone have a soul mate? Or are we just in our kookoo lands waiting for the never coming prince charming? 

  Maybe. But I fall in love a lot. With bags, with shoes and with food! How can you separate the love of food from a love towards a guy? And I really don't understand why we spend so much time discussing all of these! I drowned my slef in a tube of Ben and Jerry's tonight as I got depressed of this whole soulmate thing. Why should I get depressed over it? Why should this subject accompany my mind this much? Is it because the simple reason that a human being needs to fulfill is to reproduce?

I am really confused about this. But from now on I have to concentrate on subjects other than this and continue buying brands...

Are you sure you want to be alone?

Been a single girl for more than three years now. Always thought that being alone and independent was my kind of thing. But now, I'm sitting in my dark little room on a rainy monday afternoon and I started thinking, do I really want to be alone?
In my perspective, there are two kinds of loneliness; mental and physical. Physical loneliness is the easier version of it. You might not have friend or a boyfriend to accompany you or something like that. Mental loneliness is the real issue. You might be surrounded by dozens of people, but inside your mind you are always lonely. Feeling of emptiness surrounds you no matter what and laughter is just like pushing the excess clothes under your bed, hiding them.
You might have a clear view of what you want in life, but life does not always welcome you with those. You need to go searching for it and discover it however hard it is. That's how I feel right now. I have a vision of what kind of a man I want in my life but there seems to be no hint of anyone like that arround me. So I carry on sleeping in the middle of the bed..