Love is the most surreal feeling ever, just like a Salvador Dali portrait. The feelings you can get from it can vary from time to time and no one has the exact same opinion about a painting. I have always thought that love happened when two people felt the exact same things towards each other and was never easy. But life is again proving me wrong. Love is the value you put into someone. Even if they are the most horrible person around you, your feelings can turn them into a beautiful creature. The pain you get from their actions become addictive and you find yourself finding excuses on their behalf. If you agree with the description of feelings I have stated above, well you are a masochist just like me.
At this stage of my life, achieving so much and getting nowhere with my life, I went back to my biggest addiction, him. And he is again putting me through the exact same things like the last time. I saw this as a risk to take with a great reward at the end, bigger the risk you take, greater the reward or nothing good comes easy. What I have obnoxiously ignored is the fact that my feelings and my life is not a stock market at all. Sometimes it is better to take the safe way to achieve happiness. It is a shame that I realised this a bit too late but life is tough isn't it?
Tuesday, 5 May 2015
Sunday, 29 March 2015
Septemhell 2014
Well.. I can pretty much say that I am going through the most hectic time of my life. I was never scared of waking up and seeing that I really am not comfortable doing what I am doing that is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but oh well here I am saying these words. For the whole of my life I grabbed people and believed in them to bring me happiness and content but I was standing at the most dangerous point.
Let's sum up the last 6 to 7 months of my life. I have graduated with a high average from uni from something that I was completely not passionate about but was the right thing for me to do according to other people. Congratulations little Ariel, first and the biggest mistake of my life. How can a person like me could be tied to a desk for the rest of their life and just deal with things that don't make sense to her life? Well, she certainly cannot. That's why I am struggling to be successful right now, a massive turn down for me. I started a job that my parents helped me to find because I was dealing with my love life instead of applying for jobs, I did not give a shit where I worked or about my future. I just wanted him by my side. I started my new job and hated it in the first second. First of all because of the book keeping dumbness I had to deal with of the dirty kebab shops and second of all the people. Oh how I detest them. Right, try to imagine an old Victorian house turned into an office, 8 people working in there and 5 of them being in managerial positions. This was one of the most tragic things I have lately seen. All of them were completely unaware of the real world and thought they could manage the world through that dirty office in cringe Palmers Green. Everyday going to work seemed like going to thee concentration camp to me. You are not allowed to give breaks for cigarettes, why are you 3 minutes late, why are you leaving on time and not doing over time which you will not be paid for, could you carry the boxes, can you make 2 teas and a coffee for our clients which are less educated than you, why aren't you wearing a suit? Well, a simple answer because I think all of you are massive idiots for being here and I don't respect you. And oh I was getting paid minimum wage. Thanks, but no. So obviously I got fired because I did not understand what hierarchy means, oh sorry, I totally forgot that we were still in Victorian times. The day I got fired, I went for drinks and celebrated it. Because depressing 6 months of my life was over and I had a bright future ahead of me but they were stuck there for the rest of their lives, suck it bitches I am out!
This is the point I have realised that any situation that limited my freedom made me feel dead. I believe that I am born to be free and without any attachments, for me every aspect of my life should run in harmony with me. My friends, my work, my family and definitely my love. Nothing that keeps me tied up can make me happy.
My period of depression got a contribution from a different aspect in my life as well. My everything and my nothing, HIM. Let's call him olive oil because he is Italian. In no doubt I can call him the best and the worst thing happened to me at the same time. I can write chapters on us because it was far from a usual love story or a fairy tale or even a romcom. I cannot remember if I have put it down here because I have the memory of Dora from Finding Nemo. I fell in love with him after such a long time, taking a very big risk. And ı was happy for a month or two but my life came crashing down when we went back to our countries for the christmas holidays and he got back together with his girlfriend of 6 years. I cannot explain what I felt with words, I felt physical pain, derived ocd, drunk a lot, cried even more and did not speak to him for 6 months even though we were in the same social circle. But I knew what was going on and knew that he was craving my attention, my body and most importantly my mind. We connected through our brains with him and he dropped down everything for nothing. As we lived 10 seconds away from each other, at 3 am on 5th of may I asked him if he had a spare cigarette. The reason was very clear, I had my ticket back to my country ready for the 16th of may and I needed a closure. I knocked on the door, went in and suddenly I found myself in the middle of the most passionate fight I have ever been in. He said I will be the biggest regret in his life and I knew that this was real. We cuddled, did not kiss did not touch just cuddled. I tried to leave, he did not let me to go home. In the morning we went on the rooftop as it was the first day of summer in UK sunbathed and smoked. One of the best memories in my life. This went on for a few weeks, me trying to hide it from everyone, him secretly telling everyone. He left to Italy and me to my own hell. We talked everyday until my instincts again and again made me realise that he was fancying a friend of mine and they were chatting. In order to see his reaction, I told him that I was in a relationship and thinking about marriage and shattered all of it down. Summer of 2014 were tears and stalking for me. I wanted to discover everything. We were never a real couple in name, but he was my soul mate, my mirror, I could not lose him for a pair of boobs. I returned, and he lied to me even more. He told me that the cheapdirtyslut were not talking but oh they were talking, I could tell. I became so paranoid that I was checking the last seens on whatsapp and messenger and the likes on facebook and throwing hints in sentences to see if they were talking. So the cheapdirtyslut said that we should go back to where we studied for our last university party. This was my chance to see the whole truth..
That night was a turning point in my life. I have never been so tactical and so emotional in my life at the same time. Everything was obvious. She was hiding that he was talking with him so was he. So I went back to his to sfind the facebook chat logs. Nothing can stop a suspicious woman. He turned into an emotionless monster as we fought. In the morning I found out more lies, and left. Deleted them both off my facebook and started my plan for destruction...
Let's sum up the last 6 to 7 months of my life. I have graduated with a high average from uni from something that I was completely not passionate about but was the right thing for me to do according to other people. Congratulations little Ariel, first and the biggest mistake of my life. How can a person like me could be tied to a desk for the rest of their life and just deal with things that don't make sense to her life? Well, she certainly cannot. That's why I am struggling to be successful right now, a massive turn down for me. I started a job that my parents helped me to find because I was dealing with my love life instead of applying for jobs, I did not give a shit where I worked or about my future. I just wanted him by my side. I started my new job and hated it in the first second. First of all because of the book keeping dumbness I had to deal with of the dirty kebab shops and second of all the people. Oh how I detest them. Right, try to imagine an old Victorian house turned into an office, 8 people working in there and 5 of them being in managerial positions. This was one of the most tragic things I have lately seen. All of them were completely unaware of the real world and thought they could manage the world through that dirty office in cringe Palmers Green. Everyday going to work seemed like going to thee concentration camp to me. You are not allowed to give breaks for cigarettes, why are you 3 minutes late, why are you leaving on time and not doing over time which you will not be paid for, could you carry the boxes, can you make 2 teas and a coffee for our clients which are less educated than you, why aren't you wearing a suit? Well, a simple answer because I think all of you are massive idiots for being here and I don't respect you. And oh I was getting paid minimum wage. Thanks, but no. So obviously I got fired because I did not understand what hierarchy means, oh sorry, I totally forgot that we were still in Victorian times. The day I got fired, I went for drinks and celebrated it. Because depressing 6 months of my life was over and I had a bright future ahead of me but they were stuck there for the rest of their lives, suck it bitches I am out!
This is the point I have realised that any situation that limited my freedom made me feel dead. I believe that I am born to be free and without any attachments, for me every aspect of my life should run in harmony with me. My friends, my work, my family and definitely my love. Nothing that keeps me tied up can make me happy.
My period of depression got a contribution from a different aspect in my life as well. My everything and my nothing, HIM. Let's call him olive oil because he is Italian. In no doubt I can call him the best and the worst thing happened to me at the same time. I can write chapters on us because it was far from a usual love story or a fairy tale or even a romcom. I cannot remember if I have put it down here because I have the memory of Dora from Finding Nemo. I fell in love with him after such a long time, taking a very big risk. And ı was happy for a month or two but my life came crashing down when we went back to our countries for the christmas holidays and he got back together with his girlfriend of 6 years. I cannot explain what I felt with words, I felt physical pain, derived ocd, drunk a lot, cried even more and did not speak to him for 6 months even though we were in the same social circle. But I knew what was going on and knew that he was craving my attention, my body and most importantly my mind. We connected through our brains with him and he dropped down everything for nothing. As we lived 10 seconds away from each other, at 3 am on 5th of may I asked him if he had a spare cigarette. The reason was very clear, I had my ticket back to my country ready for the 16th of may and I needed a closure. I knocked on the door, went in and suddenly I found myself in the middle of the most passionate fight I have ever been in. He said I will be the biggest regret in his life and I knew that this was real. We cuddled, did not kiss did not touch just cuddled. I tried to leave, he did not let me to go home. In the morning we went on the rooftop as it was the first day of summer in UK sunbathed and smoked. One of the best memories in my life. This went on for a few weeks, me trying to hide it from everyone, him secretly telling everyone. He left to Italy and me to my own hell. We talked everyday until my instincts again and again made me realise that he was fancying a friend of mine and they were chatting. In order to see his reaction, I told him that I was in a relationship and thinking about marriage and shattered all of it down. Summer of 2014 were tears and stalking for me. I wanted to discover everything. We were never a real couple in name, but he was my soul mate, my mirror, I could not lose him for a pair of boobs. I returned, and he lied to me even more. He told me that the cheapdirtyslut were not talking but oh they were talking, I could tell. I became so paranoid that I was checking the last seens on whatsapp and messenger and the likes on facebook and throwing hints in sentences to see if they were talking. So the cheapdirtyslut said that we should go back to where we studied for our last university party. This was my chance to see the whole truth..
That night was a turning point in my life. I have never been so tactical and so emotional in my life at the same time. Everything was obvious. She was hiding that he was talking with him so was he. So I went back to his to sfind the facebook chat logs. Nothing can stop a suspicious woman. He turned into an emotionless monster as we fought. In the morning I found out more lies, and left. Deleted them both off my facebook and started my plan for destruction...
Sunday, 23 February 2014
Pain of losing
In my last post, I said I didn't want to lose this time.. But I lost again.. In a horrible way.. I can still feel the pain rushing in my veins and everywhere every time I see him and every time I miss him.. It is such a shame that I need to hear his name nearly everyday and see him often without being able to touch his soft skin or kiss his lips.. After what he has put me through I should not even mention his name but I cannot even stop thinking about him.. Every single time I lose someone I go through the same fucking feelings, first its anger, then pain and finally my obsession hits me. My depression gets worse and worse and my brain starts looking for something to throwback in his face and make him feel sorry for me and come running back to me. It is obsessive thoughts that my brain makes to cover the pain of love or whatever I have felt. Yes, I do miss him. No, I do not have a clue why he has acted the way he did. Yes, I want to punch him. No, I don't want to call him. Yes, the silence is killing me inside. I didn't expect to get married to him or I wasn't thinking anything serious but WHY would he cut everything off when we went back to our homes. What happened? Will I ever get to know?
I asked him, so many times, WHY and all I got was a blank stare and me sitting there with no reply. As if I was no one, as if nothing happened between us, as if I was just a person passing by.. This hurts me, him not caring about me at all, maybe not even thinking about me, and the chance of him not even remembering my name after some time.. This is the thoughts that leaves me with my panic attacks and sleepless nights. If I wasn't on my medication right now I would be crying my eyes out but I can't even do that. The cycle has ended again, and I am at the same situation just like last year, the year before. I feel abandoned and worthless, I can't even think rationally let alone carry on with my life. I know that maybe it's not even him that I'm missing or hating, it's the feelings that I'm going through right now. So lonely, so desperate for something real and not brave enough to say it out loud. I find myself begging for something good to happen so often that it even surprises me. I don't want to feel this pain and create OCDs again, I don't want to lose all over again. I am scared that this would be the last battle for me, that I won't be brave enough to get in another battle. I am constantly in a search for something positive to fill my missing bits, will I ever find them? or just die trying?
I asked him, so many times, WHY and all I got was a blank stare and me sitting there with no reply. As if I was no one, as if nothing happened between us, as if I was just a person passing by.. This hurts me, him not caring about me at all, maybe not even thinking about me, and the chance of him not even remembering my name after some time.. This is the thoughts that leaves me with my panic attacks and sleepless nights. If I wasn't on my medication right now I would be crying my eyes out but I can't even do that. The cycle has ended again, and I am at the same situation just like last year, the year before. I feel abandoned and worthless, I can't even think rationally let alone carry on with my life. I know that maybe it's not even him that I'm missing or hating, it's the feelings that I'm going through right now. So lonely, so desperate for something real and not brave enough to say it out loud. I find myself begging for something good to happen so often that it even surprises me. I don't want to feel this pain and create OCDs again, I don't want to lose all over again. I am scared that this would be the last battle for me, that I won't be brave enough to get in another battle. I am constantly in a search for something positive to fill my missing bits, will I ever find them? or just die trying?
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
How can you understand if there's a relationship going on or just a thing?
The last time I was in a relationship feels like million light years away right now and I just realised that there is absolutely nothing I remember about being a girlfriend! How do you know when you have become someone's lover or just friends that hang out more often!?
I was 12 when a guy first asked me out. I had this little tiny mobile and suddenly got a text saying would you like to be my girlfriend with hearts all over it. That boosted my ego up at that moment but the love story didn't last long. 2 days after the mad love, I broke up with him because he wanted to hold hands at school and that was too much for me! Not much changed since then, my boundaries still exist but they have stretched a little bit and by a little bit I mean a lot..And no my trust issues have not improved at all but got worse!
When I was 15 I thought I found my soul mate, the love of my life and my future hubby. Oh dear, now I can see how naive I was back then! We met online as he was a cousin of my friend's, talked for months, he said he "loved" me. I did not know at that point either if we were together or not. It was after a month when he asked me "So, are you my girlfriend now?" finally taking the hints! I just answered saying you haven't asked me out yet and then we settled the bases for the three year relationship.. I could say that those were the happiest days of my 21 years.. Of course that ended in misery as well, by him cheating on me with my best-friend! BADAMTIS! 3 years of loneliness and failed attempts of relationships after that..
Basically, since I was 18 I spent most of my time trying to find the perfect love again.. Until I realised, there was no such thing! All of my attempts in love failed miserably, just when I thought something good was going to happen, it shattered down! As if something was just bugging my life and trying to ruin every good thing about it! Finally, this year I met someone that I like.. And now I am in a situation where I cannot stop thinking, what if I ruin it again? Where is this going? When will I know if he really likes me or just having fun with me? Most people say that when you know, you know. However, I question everything instead of living in the moment and then I cry. I don't want this to end in misery as well.. I just want to know, if everything will be fine..
I was 12 when a guy first asked me out. I had this little tiny mobile and suddenly got a text saying would you like to be my girlfriend with hearts all over it. That boosted my ego up at that moment but the love story didn't last long. 2 days after the mad love, I broke up with him because he wanted to hold hands at school and that was too much for me! Not much changed since then, my boundaries still exist but they have stretched a little bit and by a little bit I mean a lot..And no my trust issues have not improved at all but got worse!
When I was 15 I thought I found my soul mate, the love of my life and my future hubby. Oh dear, now I can see how naive I was back then! We met online as he was a cousin of my friend's, talked for months, he said he "loved" me. I did not know at that point either if we were together or not. It was after a month when he asked me "So, are you my girlfriend now?" finally taking the hints! I just answered saying you haven't asked me out yet and then we settled the bases for the three year relationship.. I could say that those were the happiest days of my 21 years.. Of course that ended in misery as well, by him cheating on me with my best-friend! BADAMTIS! 3 years of loneliness and failed attempts of relationships after that..
Basically, since I was 18 I spent most of my time trying to find the perfect love again.. Until I realised, there was no such thing! All of my attempts in love failed miserably, just when I thought something good was going to happen, it shattered down! As if something was just bugging my life and trying to ruin every good thing about it! Finally, this year I met someone that I like.. And now I am in a situation where I cannot stop thinking, what if I ruin it again? Where is this going? When will I know if he really likes me or just having fun with me? Most people say that when you know, you know. However, I question everything instead of living in the moment and then I cry. I don't want this to end in misery as well.. I just want to know, if everything will be fine..
Wednesday, 27 November 2013
Has anyone seen the tiny creature called "luck"?
So as you can guess, I am floating between emotions again. I have no clue whether its because of the amount of workload I have, the pressure of finding a job, having absolutely noone in my love life or just generally feeling poo. And I cannot stop thinking, why am I not the lucky one?!
Luck can be described in many ways, according to google's first result it is an event which occurs beyond one's control, without regard to one's will, intention, or desired result. Why aren't such events occurring in my life? For the past few years I have made approximately 100 wishes including having a fit body. But the my biggest wish has always been finding true love. This was most probably because of the number of events that happened that torn me down into pieces in my love life in the past years. Being cheated on by my 3 year boyfriend with my "best friend", someone telling me that I had to lose 10 kilos in order for him to like me, being on and off with a guy for months and then him telling my best friend that he was in love with her and seeing one of the great loves of my life being ruined; learning that my dad was cheating on my mum. I cannot help but think, if love is such a great thing why do I end up hurting at the end!
Is it too much to want to have feelings for someone without constantly worrying if they are lying or faking everything? How hard can it be to trust someone.. I believe that all I need to succeed in this idiotic thing called love is LUCK! There are no other explanations that can suggest a reason for my great failures over these years. Even my little sister's love life is better than mine! How more tragic can it get?(Dear universe this was just a question you don't have to demonstrate)
Oh as if things aren't bad enough, all of the people who got in my life at some point find their true life partners after we break up or after I reject them. If someone is the problem its definitely me. Like sometimes I wonder if I should change this into an occupation or something. be like hi, if you want to find true love just let me reject you first. Thanks that would be $1000. And go buy shoes. If I cannot be happy emotionally my feet can still feel pretty right? A pair of red soles never upset.
Anyway, dear universe, this time let it happen. For all of us out there. My best friend who is so scared of even talking to someone, the shy girl, the emotionally destroyed woman, everyone out there! (including me please don't forget about me)
Thanks <3
Sunday, 10 March 2013
Is it love that we are looking for or pure lust?
I am a strong believer of science. If there is something happening, there is a scientific explanation for it. And as years passed by I started to get rid of my emotions cause I believe that my brain is creating them for obvious reasons. Let's make something clear first. The reason we are on this planet is to reproduce and survive nothing else. Therefore throughout our little lives, we try to protect ourselves from what our instincts call dangerous and find the perfect matching person to reproduce. This got me thinking, if every movement we make is because of these two reasons, some emotions are just made up. Such as LOVE.
I believe that LOVE is the biggest lie after religion in the world. It is a made up feeling by movies and stories and put in our minds throughout our lives. It acts as a curtain in front of our eyes, like a filter. You don't like the person, you like the feeling they give you and this is because inside your brain its a sign that he is the perfect match for your baby daddy profile. So if it wasn't for reproducing, there wouldn't be sexual attraction and the great loss of time because of this. You see a person, they make you feel great, you get sexually attracted, your relationship builds up, you get married have children and so on. This is basically reproducing not love. What about the time we waste on thinking about love and our perfect other halves? This is the basic trick of them keeping us stupid. We start thinking that we must find love, but actually do we?
I believe that LOVE is the biggest lie after religion in the world. It is a made up feeling by movies and stories and put in our minds throughout our lives. It acts as a curtain in front of our eyes, like a filter. You don't like the person, you like the feeling they give you and this is because inside your brain its a sign that he is the perfect match for your baby daddy profile. So if it wasn't for reproducing, there wouldn't be sexual attraction and the great loss of time because of this. You see a person, they make you feel great, you get sexually attracted, your relationship builds up, you get married have children and so on. This is basically reproducing not love. What about the time we waste on thinking about love and our perfect other halves? This is the basic trick of them keeping us stupid. We start thinking that we must find love, but actually do we?
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Solitary Woman
What brings you back to the past? A sound? An image? A smell? A day?
Well, at the moment I went through all on my own. February the 14th, indeed one of the most depressing days in the year for me as I am single and hate this day cause I believe that I have some kind of a bad spell on me against love.(I know how pathetic I sound and I dont give a flying duck.
The last time I celebrated the Valentine's day was 4 years ago(SAD) and that was with my first and real love i think. It was a great day but I managed to ruin that relationship as well as its one of my very talents, ruining stuff. May sound funny but I believe that I got doomed on that day because of a reason that I will not share ahahhaha Since then, I have managed to get drunk and remember those memories on this day. When the clock hit 00:00, I started listening to some old music that transferred me directly in to those times.. Images started coming and all of the memories of that time. I believe that its not the person that I miss, I miss the feelings and myself at that time..
Everything changed since then and I got lost in the past once again. I miss the old me, so naive, could ignore everything and did not realise the seriousness of life.. I didn't know that my dad was cheating on my mum, I didn't know that I was going to get cheated on with my best friend, I didn't know that we were in serious debt, I just cared about myself and how i felt. Wish I could become like that.. No feeling of guilt or no worries about the future or the present and even trying to change the past constantly..
I am aware of the fact that most of the things I write are about these, but I believe that by writing I will get over them soon. And also, my posts show how my mood changes even though I'm on medication. I don't have extreme feelings but I can get lost in the past sometimes. I cannot feel numb all the time, can I?
Anyway,everythng happens for a reason but I fail to find the reason for somethings that I have gone through and still going through.. How many more Valentine's days will come and go with me and my wine beside me.. I just have a little message to my stupid prince charming, HURRY UP BABE LOSING PATIENCE!
All of those with a valentine I really hope you enjoy your day and all of the singles, do not over commit on the alcohol.
xox
Well, at the moment I went through all on my own. February the 14th, indeed one of the most depressing days in the year for me as I am single and hate this day cause I believe that I have some kind of a bad spell on me against love.(I know how pathetic I sound and I dont give a flying duck.
The last time I celebrated the Valentine's day was 4 years ago(SAD) and that was with my first and real love i think. It was a great day but I managed to ruin that relationship as well as its one of my very talents, ruining stuff. May sound funny but I believe that I got doomed on that day because of a reason that I will not share ahahhaha Since then, I have managed to get drunk and remember those memories on this day. When the clock hit 00:00, I started listening to some old music that transferred me directly in to those times.. Images started coming and all of the memories of that time. I believe that its not the person that I miss, I miss the feelings and myself at that time..
Everything changed since then and I got lost in the past once again. I miss the old me, so naive, could ignore everything and did not realise the seriousness of life.. I didn't know that my dad was cheating on my mum, I didn't know that I was going to get cheated on with my best friend, I didn't know that we were in serious debt, I just cared about myself and how i felt. Wish I could become like that.. No feeling of guilt or no worries about the future or the present and even trying to change the past constantly..
I am aware of the fact that most of the things I write are about these, but I believe that by writing I will get over them soon. And also, my posts show how my mood changes even though I'm on medication. I don't have extreme feelings but I can get lost in the past sometimes. I cannot feel numb all the time, can I?
Anyway,everythng happens for a reason but I fail to find the reason for somethings that I have gone through and still going through.. How many more Valentine's days will come and go with me and my wine beside me.. I just have a little message to my stupid prince charming, HURRY UP BABE LOSING PATIENCE!
All of those with a valentine I really hope you enjoy your day and all of the singles, do not over commit on the alcohol.
xox
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