In my last post, I said I didn't want to lose this time.. But I lost again.. In a horrible way.. I can still feel the pain rushing in my veins and everywhere every time I see him and every time I miss him.. It is such a shame that I need to hear his name nearly everyday and see him often without being able to touch his soft skin or kiss his lips.. After what he has put me through I should not even mention his name but I cannot even stop thinking about him.. Every single time I lose someone I go through the same fucking feelings, first its anger, then pain and finally my obsession hits me. My depression gets worse and worse and my brain starts looking for something to throwback in his face and make him feel sorry for me and come running back to me. It is obsessive thoughts that my brain makes to cover the pain of love or whatever I have felt. Yes, I do miss him. No, I do not have a clue why he has acted the way he did. Yes, I want to punch him. No, I don't want to call him. Yes, the silence is killing me inside. I didn't expect to get married to him or I wasn't thinking anything serious but WHY would he cut everything off when we went back to our homes. What happened? Will I ever get to know?
I asked him, so many times, WHY and all I got was a blank stare and me sitting there with no reply. As if I was no one, as if nothing happened between us, as if I was just a person passing by.. This hurts me, him not caring about me at all, maybe not even thinking about me, and the chance of him not even remembering my name after some time.. This is the thoughts that leaves me with my panic attacks and sleepless nights. If I wasn't on my medication right now I would be crying my eyes out but I can't even do that. The cycle has ended again, and I am at the same situation just like last year, the year before. I feel abandoned and worthless, I can't even think rationally let alone carry on with my life. I know that maybe it's not even him that I'm missing or hating, it's the feelings that I'm going through right now. So lonely, so desperate for something real and not brave enough to say it out loud. I find myself begging for something good to happen so often that it even surprises me. I don't want to feel this pain and create OCDs again, I don't want to lose all over again. I am scared that this would be the last battle for me, that I won't be brave enough to get in another battle. I am constantly in a search for something positive to fill my missing bits, will I ever find them? or just die trying?
