Solitary Woman

What brings you back to the past? A sound? An image? A smell? A day?
Well, at the moment I went through all on my own. February the 14th, indeed one of the most depressing days in the year for me as I am single and hate this day cause I believe that I have some kind of a bad spell on me against love.(I know how pathetic I sound and I dont give a flying duck.
The last time I celebrated the Valentine's day was 4 years ago(SAD) and that was with my first and real love i think. It was a great day but I managed to ruin that relationship as well as its one of my very talents, ruining stuff. May sound funny but I believe that I got doomed on that day because of a reason that I will not share ahahhaha Since then, I have managed to get drunk and remember those memories on this day. When the clock hit 00:00, I started listening to some old music that transferred me directly in to those times.. Images started coming and all of the memories of that time. I believe that its not the person that I miss, I miss the feelings and myself at that time..
Everything changed since then and I got lost in the past once again. I miss the old me, so naive, could ignore everything and did not realise the seriousness of life.. I didn't know that my dad was cheating on my mum, I didn't know that I was going to get cheated on with my best friend, I didn't know that we were in serious debt, I just cared about myself and how i felt. Wish I could become like that.. No feeling of guilt or no worries about the future or the present and even trying to change the past constantly..
I am aware of the fact that most of the things I write are about these, but I believe that by writing I will get over them soon. And also, my posts show how my mood changes even though I'm on medication. I don't have extreme feelings but I can get lost in the past sometimes. I cannot feel numb all the time, can I?
Anyway,everythng happens for a reason but I fail to find the reason for somethings that I have gone through and still going through.. How many more Valentine's days will come and go with me and my wine beside me.. I just have a little message to my stupid prince charming, HURRY UP BABE LOSING PATIENCE!
All of those with a valentine I really hope you enjoy your day and all of the singles, do not over commit on the alcohol.

xox

:)

Herzaman tekrar ettiğim bişey vardır bu hayatta ve umarım evren beni her zaman bunu söyleycek yollara sokar.. Ben hayatımda arkadaş edinmemişim, kardeş edinmişim her zaman.. Uç duyguları seven bir insanım. Ya hep ya hiç, ya aşk ya nefret böyle bi şekilde takılıyorum işte ortalıkta. Çok kişi sevdim, çok da bağlandım sonunda bayağı da ağladım ama şimdi dönüp baktıgımda, elekten geçen sadece gerçek olanlar kalmış yanımda..

1000 tane 1 lira yerine ben 5 tane 200lük seçmişim, çevremde 100 tane gerizekalı olacagına, 10 tane en en derin sırlarımı anlatabileceğim insanla donatmışım etrafımı. Yediğim kazıkların da değerini böylece anlıyorum bu hayatta.. Küçükken çok üzülürdüm, çok takardım bu arkadaşlık olaylarını. Çevremde biçok insan olsun isterdim, her gün başka biriyle takılmak isterdim, sevilmek ve kabullenmek isterdim herkes tarafından. Yıllar bunu da değiştirdi elbette. Ben kendimim, ben bir bireyim ve inanıyorum ki güçlü bir karaktere sahip olan hiç kimse herkes tarafından sevilemez. Çünkü, kafandan geçeni söyleyebilmelisin bu hayatta, o fikir sana uymuyorsa hayır kardeşim yanlışsın deyebilmelisin, gerekirse tartışabilmelisin de adabınca.. En önemlisi, bunlara saygı duyacak biri olmalı karşında. Yüze gülüp, arkadan seni sağa sola eleştiren bi tipitip değil. 

Beş farlı arkadaş grubu, onlarca farklı insandan top 5 imi seçtim ben artık. Onlarsız adım bile atmak bana ters. Beni ben olarak kabul eden, düştüğümde yanımda, güldüğümde benimle gülen kardeşlerim var benim..

Better or Bitter?

 We get hurt so many times in life. Some people get over it some people cannot. I am one of the ones that cannot forget the mistakes that are done to me. I spend hours thinking about them and even though years past I don't think that I can easily forgive someone. I may act stupid, but I am always aware of everything as I always say. Being a huge fan of the tv series Revenge has some effects on me as well. As I explained before, I have gone through some tough times and it wasn't only one person to blame for all of this. Much more people have contributed in my state of mind right now, and as I don't believe in Karma, I may become their Karma.(Jokes aside I am not mad)
So do we just forgive and get better or get bitter? In love cases as well. People get cheated on, left, abused and so on.. Do these things help our future selves or do they just make us numb and emotionally unavailable? In my case, I became emotionally numb. I got cheated on by the so called love of my life and after that every attempt for a relationship was a massive fail for me. I cannot say that what didn't kill me made me stronger but I can definately say that my heart became as cold as an iceberg!(hahahahaha) I set some high standards so that I would not get hurt again and noone seems to meet those high standards or I am controlling my heart with my brain which is pretty strange for a young woman like me. I do not know which to prefer; to run after stupid love affairs or to become emotionally unavailable and wait for a miracle.. This has been one of the minor questions in my mind for years now. Every attempt reminds me of rejection and heartache therefore I learnt how to be happy in my little cage of numbness!

Small Island Psychology

Imagine being raised in such a place that when you meet someone, they already know your history and your family heritage. Imagine a place that you do not even have a chance to make a mistake. Just imagine that being in such a place that you live for the other people's expectations, not yours, not at all! Seems funny, but all of the things mentioned here are true. I have been living in such a place for 20 years but now I refuse to live there because I am not doing anything but limiting myelf.

The people living in this small island act in the herd behaviour. There are certain beliefs and ideas that everyone has to believe in, or you get discriminated because you are different. I know that in the rest of the world the situation is not much different, but since I was 15, I have been in a war inside myself. To follow the herd or to follow what I really believe in. It started with dying my hair in 5 different colours in a year and not caring about what anyone said about it. I became to known as a freak, but I was just looking for my real self, I was only a teenager. Since then, I have been experimenting with people, how they react to being different, they really don't like it. But why? What is that scares them so much? Difference? 

If you say your ideas out loud, you get judged. You must be a communist or a capitalist or else you are stupid. You get judged by what you wear and what you drive. Everyone acts like racing horses, who owns what. The community is so assimilated that they do not know why they are even doing the things they are doing. Sex is a big issue. Everyone has sex, but it is not something to be talked about. This is because before the minds became familiar with the idea of it, people became very active at it.

Now, being away I couldn't be happier. I don't even miss it. I can be myself and known as I am and not be judged.  

Advantages of Bankruptcy

My life is full of changes at the moment. A lot of them. So, 5 years ago I was a rich teenager who was moaning about life and basicly everything all the time. I was in total rebellion towards everything in life, especially the society. I still hate the society I was born and raised in to be honest, they are a bunch of sheep!

So in these 5 years, my dad goes bankrupt we basicly sell everything in our hands and I try to live the normal life. In this post I want to talk about the pros and cos of bankruptcy!

These five years have been the hardest of my life. I cannot say that I hated every moment of it, but time has taken a lot from me. The feelings I lost, the numbness in my heart never seems to get away, but I got used to it. I had breakdowns at certain points and I have done mistakes because I lost control at some points, but the lessons I have learnt in life, they are very precious for me. I realised that the love inside me is so big for my family that I even was succesful overcoming my anger towards my dad. I stopped asking why things happened and instead I looked for solutions. In my perspective, I am doing good. I am dealing very well with situations. At times I do get sad because some of my dreams are lost and I will never be able to achieve them and I am not living my "dream life", but this encourages me more to try. And if anyone reading this has gone through same kind of stuff, I can assure you that it's not the millions in your bank account which defines you, ITS YOU! You can achieve anything you want and overcome everything! I am not the one to write these motivation things, but I really mean it. As a person who spent 1/4th of their life hating everyone and blaming her father for everything, I honestly think that my only harm was to myself, not anyone else..

- You get to know which people matter really. Those standing by your side in every condition are actually the people who are worth your love.

- You get to know how to stand on your own feet! You get out of your kookoo world and you fight for what you want instead of crying for it.

-You actually realise the cars and cribs and bags and those shit are not actually that important. Its all luxury.

-You UNITE! That's the best thing about it. Family becomes one, and everyone over-cares for each other which is a really sweet thing.

-You become more independent as you have less things to lose. Trust me, the less things you have to lose, the more free you feel inside. 

-The things you own are not used to describe you anymore so you become an actual individual not the person who owns that and this.

- Realising that the world actually does not revolve around you, you are like a droplet in the ocean.

-Managing anger.