Septemhell 2014

Well.. I can pretty much say that I am going through the most hectic time of my life. I was never scared of waking up and seeing that I really am not comfortable doing what I am doing that is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but oh well here I am saying these words. For the whole of my life I grabbed people and believed in them to bring me happiness and content but I was standing at the most dangerous point.

Let's sum up the last 6 to 7 months of my life. I have graduated with a high average from uni from something that I was completely not passionate about but was the right thing for me to do according to other people. Congratulations little Ariel, first and the biggest mistake of my life. How can a person like me could be tied to a desk for the rest of their life and just deal with things that don't make sense to her life? Well, she certainly cannot. That's why I am struggling to be successful right now, a massive turn down for me. I started a job that my parents helped me to find because I was dealing with my love life instead of applying for jobs, I did not give a shit where I worked or about my future. I just wanted him by my side. I started my new job and hated it in the first second. First of all because of the book keeping dumbness I had to deal with of the dirty kebab shops and second of all the people. Oh how I detest them. Right, try to imagine an old Victorian house turned into an office, 8 people working in there and 5 of them being in managerial positions. This was one of the most tragic things I have lately seen. All of them were completely unaware of the real world and thought they could manage the world through that dirty office in cringe Palmers Green. Everyday going to work seemed like going to thee concentration camp to me. You are not allowed to give breaks for cigarettes, why are you 3 minutes late, why are you leaving on time and not doing over time which you will not be paid for, could you carry the boxes, can you make 2 teas and a coffee for our clients which are less educated than you, why aren't you wearing a suit? Well, a simple answer because I think all of you are massive idiots for being here and I don't respect you. And oh I was getting paid minimum wage. Thanks, but no. So obviously I got fired because I did not understand what hierarchy means, oh sorry, I totally forgot that we were still in Victorian times. The day I got fired, I went for drinks and celebrated it. Because depressing 6 months of my life was over and I had a bright future ahead of me but they were stuck there for the rest of their lives, suck it bitches I am out!

This is the point I have realised that any situation that limited my freedom made me feel dead. I believe that I am born to be free and without any attachments, for me every aspect of my life should run in harmony with me. My friends, my work, my family and definitely my love. Nothing that keeps me tied up can make me happy.

My period of depression got a contribution from a different aspect in my life as well. My everything and my nothing, HIM. Let's call him olive oil because he is Italian. In no doubt I can call him the best and the worst thing happened to me at the same time. I can write chapters on us because it was far from a usual love story or a fairy tale or even a romcom. I cannot remember if I have put it down here because I have the memory of Dora from Finding Nemo. I fell in love with him after such a long time, taking a very big risk. And ı was happy for a month or two but my life came crashing down when we went back to our countries for the christmas holidays and he got back together with his girlfriend of 6 years. I cannot explain what I felt with words, I felt physical pain, derived ocd, drunk a lot, cried even more and did not speak to him for 6 months even though we were in the same social circle. But I knew what was going on and knew that he was craving my attention, my body and most importantly my mind. We connected through our brains with him and he dropped down everything for nothing. As we lived 10 seconds away from each other, at 3 am on 5th of may I asked him if he had a spare cigarette. The reason was very clear, I had my ticket back to my country ready for the 16th of may and I needed a closure. I knocked on the door, went in and suddenly I found myself in the middle of the most passionate fight I have ever been in. He said I will be the biggest regret in his life and I knew that this was real. We cuddled, did not kiss did not touch just cuddled. I tried to leave, he did not let me to go home. In the morning we went on the rooftop as it was the first day of summer in UK sunbathed and smoked. One of the best memories in my life. This went on for a few weeks, me trying to hide it from everyone, him secretly telling everyone. He left to Italy and me to my own hell. We talked everyday until my instincts again and again made me realise that he was fancying a friend of mine and they were chatting. In order to see his reaction, I told him that I was in a relationship and thinking about marriage and shattered all of it down. Summer of 2014 were tears and stalking for me. I wanted to discover everything. We were never a real couple in name, but he was my soul mate, my mirror, I could not lose him for a pair of boobs. I returned, and he lied to me even more. He told me that the cheapdirtyslut were not talking but oh they were talking, I could tell. I became so paranoid that I was checking the last seens on whatsapp and messenger and the likes on facebook and throwing hints in sentences to see if they were talking. So the cheapdirtyslut said that we should go back to where we studied for our last university party. This was my chance to see the whole truth..
That night was a turning point in my life. I have never been so tactical and so emotional in my life at the same time. Everything was obvious. She was hiding that he was talking with him so was he. So I went back to his to sfind the facebook chat logs. Nothing can stop a suspicious woman. He turned into an emotionless monster as we fought. In the morning I found out more lies, and left. Deleted them both off my facebook and started my plan for destruction...